Explaining 'Sexy' to Kids

 As Halloween approaches, many parents are faced with a unique dilemma—how to navigate the world of “sexy” costumes that seem to pop-up in every store, even for kids. Suddenly, a fun holiday full of pumpkins, ghosts, and goblins becomes a more complex situation. This is a prime teachable moment to have an open and honest conversation with your child about what “sexy” means, and how they can love their bodies without feeling pressured to show it off.

Why This Conversation Matters

The word “sexy” is everywhere—in music, movies, advertisements, and even in Halloween costumes. It’s a word that’s often misunderstood, especially by kids. They might hear it and wonder, “What does that even mean?” Instead of avoiding the topic or brushing it off, use this curiosity to your advantage.

When we talk to our kids about the word “sexy,” we’re not just explaining a word. We’re teaching them about self-respect, body image, and the difference between healthy self-expression and seeking validation from others. It’s a chance to instill values that will help them navigate not just Halloween, but the world at large, with confidence and self-assurance.

Start by encouraging your child to think about what makes them special beyond their appearance. Are they a good friend? Do they help others? Are they creative or adventurous? These are the traits to celebrate.

It’s important to make your family’s stance on body image and self-worth clear. You might say:

“In our family, we believe that everyone’s body is amazing just as it is. You don’t need to dress a certain way to be special. What matters most is being kind, brave, and being yourself.”

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Use Teachable Moments to Start the Conversation

Everyday situations provide perfect opportunities to broach the subject in a natural way. Here are some examples:

• Shopping for Halloween Costumes If you’re out shopping and your child points to a costume labeled “sexy,” use that moment to ask what they think “sexy” means. You could say, “I noticed this costume says it’s ‘sexy.’ What does that mean to you?”This helps you gauge where their understanding is, allowing you to check in for understanding before filling in any blanks. Then, you can explain in a simple way: “Sexy is a word adults use to describe when someone or something looks appealing in a way that makes them feel attracted. But it’s not a word we use to describe kids because you’re still growing and learning about yourself.”

• Watching TV or Movie Together If a character is described as “sexy” or is dressed provocatively, pause and ask, “What do you think about how this character is dressed? Do you think they’re being noticed for who they are or just how they look?” This helps them think critically about how media portrays people and opens up a discussion about valuing oneself beyond appearances.

• Bring Up Others. If your child mentions a friend who is planning to wear a revealing costume, ask them, “Why do you think they chose that costume? Do you think they feel good in it, or are they wearing it because they think others will like it?” This encourages them to reflect on their own choices and understand that everyone should wear what makes them feel comfortable, not what gets attention.

Body Positivity vs. Body Objectification

This is a crucial distinction. Loving your body means appreciating it for what it can do, not just how it looks. It’s important to explain to kids that they don’t need to wear revealing or “sexy” costumes to express confidence or to get attention. You can say something like:

“It’s great to feel good about yourself, but you don’t have to show a lot of skin to prove that you love your body. Real confidence comes from being proud of who you are and what your body can do, not just what it looks like.”

Encourage them to think about what makes them feel strong, happy, or excited—these are the aspects of themselves they should celebrate, whether in their costumes or daily life.

Understanding Positive vs. Negative Attention

Kids naturally seek attention; it’s part of how they learn about social interactions and relationships. But not all attention is created equal. Teach them to recognize the difference:

Positive Attention: Comes from people who appreciate them for who they are, not just how they look. It’s about kindness, support, and genuine interest.

Negative Attention: Often focuses on appearances and can make someone feel uncomfortable or like they’re being judged only for their looks or their behavior.

A good way to explain this is through storytelling: “Imagine if someone compliments you on how fast you ran during a game—that’s positive attention because they’re noticing something you did well. But if someone only talks about what you’re wearing or how you look, it might not feel as good, right?”

Peer influence plays a significant role in a child’s decision-making, especially as they get older and become more aware of what their friends are doing, saying, or wearing. Kids often look to their peers for validation, and this can affect how they view themselves, including their body image and the way they choose to present themselves. Around Halloween, this pressure can be amplified when children want to wear costumes similar to what their friends are wearing—even if those choices don’t align with their own comfort levels or family values.

As a parent, it’s important to acknowledge the power of peer influence while equipping your child with the tools to navigate it confidently. Here’s how you can help your child stay true to themselves while still feeling connected to their peers:

1. Discuss the Role of Peer Pressure Openly

Have a conversation with your child about how peers can sometimes influence the way they think or act. You can start by saying something like: “Sometimes, friends might choose things that we don’t feel comfortable with, and that’s okay. It’s important to remember that you get to make choices that feel right for you.”

Ask your child how they feel about what their friends are wearing or doing, especially when it comes to Halloween costumes. Opening up this dialogue helps them become more aware of peer pressure and empowers them to reflect on their own feelings rather than just going along with the crowd.

2. Teach Your Child How to Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is an important skill for resisting peer pressure. Teach your child that it’s okay to say no to something that doesn’t feel right, even if it seems like “everyone else is doing it.” For example: “If your friends all want to wear a certain costume that doesn’t feel like you, it’s okay to say, ‘I think I’m going to wear something else this year.’ You don’t have to follow what everyone else is doing.”

Remind them that setting boundaries is a way of showing respect for themselves and their personal values.

3. Offer Encouragement and Praise

If your child chooses a costume that feels more authentic to them rather than following what their friends are doing, offer encouragement and praise. Let them know that making their own choices is something to be proud of. For instance, you can say: “I’m really proud of you for picking a costume that feels like you. That shows you know who you are and aren’t afraid to be yourself.”

Reinforcing their decision with positive feedback can give them the confidence to continue making choices that reflect their individuality.

4. Help Them Understand That It’s Okay to Be Different

Many children fear being left out or standing apart from their friends. But it’s important to emphasize that differences can be celebrated. Explain to your child that having their own sense of style or preference can make them unique. You could say: “Sometimes, it’s actually really cool to be different from your friends. You get to stand out in a way that’s special to you, and it shows that you’re confident in who you are.”

This reassurance helps them feel more secure in their individuality, making them less likely to succumb to peer influence.

5. Provide Practical Examples

You can also create teachable moments from real-life situations. If you notice your child’s friend wearing something flashy or overly mature for their age, use it as a chance to start a conversation. For example: “Did you notice that your friend’s costume was a bit different this year? How did that make you feel? Do you think they were comfortable in it, or were they trying to impress others?”

By exploring these real-life scenarios, you encourage your child to reflect on how they’re influenced by their peers and help them build resilience against external pressures.

Here’s some simple ways you can empower your child to make choices that reflect their authentic selves:

• Emphasize Self-Worth Over Appearance: Help your child understand that their value isn’t tied to how they look or what they wear. You might say something like, “It’s great to feel good about yourself, but remember that who you are on the inside is what’s most important. The right costume is one that makes you feel happy and comfortable, not one that gets the most attention.”

• Support Their Choices: When your child expresses an interest in a costume, support their choice if it aligns with their personality and comfort. If the costume feels like it might be more about impressing others or fitting in, gently ask questions like, “Do you really like this costume, or do you think it’s what other people will like?” This can encourage them to reflect on why they’re drawn to certain outfits.

• Provide Alternatives: If your child is leaning toward a more revealing or “sexy” costume and you feel it’s not appropriate for their age, offer alternatives that still let them express themselves. For example, if they want to dress as a popular character, suggest creating a version that is fun, creative, and makes them feel comfortable, without being revealing.

• Remind Them of Their Unique Qualities: Encourage your child to think about what makes them special. If they’re feeling pressure to wear a costume that doesn’t feel right, help them consider options that highlight their unique personality. You might say, “You’re creative and funny—how about choosing a costume that shows that off instead?”

• Instill Confidence in Decision-Making: Let your child know that making decisions that feel right to them is part of growing up. Remind them that they don’t have to follow the crowd or feel pressured to wear what others are wearing. They are in charge of how they present themselves, and it’s okay to choose a costume that makes them feel comfortable, even if it’s different from what their friends choose.

By empowering your child to make confident, value-driven choices, you’re helping them build self-esteem and develop a sense of self-respect. This not only applies to Halloween but also to the many situations they’ll face as they grow older and navigate the pressures of social expectations.

Halloween should be about fun, creativity, and a little bit of spookiness—not stress about body image or fitting in. By having this conversation with your kids, you’re giving them the tools to make choices that align with your family’s values while also celebrating who they are.

You've got this! 👊